Emptiness That's how I feel how I know the truth Did he cheat on you? He confessed right away but he was drunk and - Yeah? - yeah Okay well that's it My hands are shaking as I keep my cell phone in there Girlfriend looks at me worried
- So was it true?
- That's right
- Oh - well that's the best he can do at first but at least he doesn't feel sorry for me he doesn't fall on me he doesn't look at me very often because he knows that everything is pregnant at the moment We'll go quietly for a few minutes we'll miss the company and then I'll decide to go back to life I'm surprised myself that I can get it out of my head in an instant how much I can suppress the feeling of strangulation I'm laughing nothing seems to have happened but I know the truth and I know the girlfriend I'm gonna go home in hours talk to the cabbie and for a minute I feel like I'm gonna pour my heart out to him but then I'm gonna let it go I'm afraid to be alone and quiet to face it In my bed I sit awake even though it's 4: 00 in the morning even though I wake up in two hours the slightest whiff of sleep will disappear from my eyes I'm thinking and counting I read texts apologies love letters and then delete them immediately I cry for one minute but until then I cry terribly I'll be proud You can't do that to me (I will write this to him in a few days when I no longer feel so strongly nauseous)
One weekend goes by we leave each other alone
Turns out I'm sick I listen to the doctor curse why I couldn't get my sinuses treated for three weeks? Because that's what it is thanks to my smart head who never takes care of his cold Banned from the air of course ("you can't ride two horses with one butt child") And then I get another text with a question about when we talk? When do I have time? Today? Tomorrow? Anything's good for him Nothing for me I'm sick please come here if you want to talk to me At record speed he says he's fine and he'll be right on time for the time I suggest And I'll sit on my bed and he'll settle down on his own first Every planned sentence I wanted to put to him now he's gone they're ridiculous I just watch him quietly or I don't watch He won't talk either You find my blanket extremely interesting not my eyes
- What do you want? - I blame my hoarseness on my illness
Quiet For a long time
- Hmm? - seconds away from an emotional outburst I'm getting nervous
- I'm sorry - he's so quiet with a trembling voice he's sorry that even I'm shocked at the loud party hooligan
- I was totally drunk and - now he's looking at the ceiling - and there's this girl and I'm there never sober never soberI would
- Yeah - my clever answers were limited to that I throw my pillow at him I laugh but it ends so quickly I can be scary to him I'm going to bedI don't want to look at her But I'm gonna change my mind again and I'm gonna ask you a question I would never have done but I want to know:
- Do you love me? - how could I be so stuck? Why am I asking you a question that the man in question disproved??
- Yeah Wait I need to think about this - mm-hmm he looks back and forth he's Jehovah and then he really looks me in the eye like " Yeah"
And I don't know what to say After another long silence I storm out into the bathroom stare at my balls but he can't give me any advice My eyes are burning they're glowing When I go back he's in the room worried about his face
- You okay? - yeah I thought you were
- It's all right although that statement does not seem to be true at all If I didn't he'd be walking home by now I look at his face and he says "I don't want to stab him with my eyes"
- You with me - I'm starting with a painful voice It's really painful it's the calm sad sound of a mixture of repressed cries and screams and hurt feelings - don't do this There has never been a savior nor an immortal emperor to rely on Or better yet then - nothing Right? No no no
- Hey I'm sorry-and he holds me and we hold each other for as long as it takes He's so big I'm so small compared to him he covers me with his hair as I rest my head on his chest He caresses me gently()