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I look out the window brooding into the rain-drenched gray cool world There's no one on the streets at this hour and there's no playground under my window The monotonous sound of rain makes me sleepy and it impresses my mood very much and I am not in the mood for anything I pull the long chair in front of the window curl up in it and wrap my favorite plaid around me and immerse myself in my thoughts I am alone and I feel alone now even though they are around me every day Space fills my soul with bitterness Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this non-love feeling
I look at the drops of water coming down the window and I listen to their knocking And it's like I'm under hypnosis the room sinks the apartment around me the walls disappear and only the drops of water rolling like silver beads fill my vision The present is fading away and I'm slipping into the world of the past so desperately trying to forget Like objects coming from dense fog the events and feelings of the past come forth I'm touched by smells colors moods I'm surrounded by thousands of rampaging ramblings recalling the buried years I'm drawn back to everything about you Even if I object to it I can't break away now just like I used to All my cells are flooded with the attraction of that fantastic aura that surrounds you which made you special to everyone There wasn't a man you didn't care about They loved you they hated you but no one could be indifferent to you You gave me so much you taught me to live to see You made me more and more you accepted me and I accepted you
I remember the day I ran away from you and everything It was raining then the whole world was sad I don't like the rain anymore It makes me sad lonely Even after years that wound didn't heal in me There's a piece missing and that doesn't make the machine work perfectly I try to think less about our time together because it still hurts It hurts not to see you not to hear you not to miss you I haven't known what's going on with you for a long time I just hope that at least you found your way around I'll never be able to explain my move I broke the Happy hope of a happy life when I was afraid of the miracle you gave me giving up everything that was important I chose a life that wasn't mine and only someone else felt good about it And I'm afraid my time is up and no more time has been given to me
But now I'm stuck with memories and I want to fight them and I want to be left alone They bind me down to the depths and the memories and the sweet and painful dreams that never happened attack me with painful fits I don't have the strength to defend myselfI'm going with the flow Everything but I remember everything I wanted to forget so hard Our first encounter our first groping touch like bland little students on our first date And then in my dreams so many times a haunting fulfilled time finally after a long time even though we knew each other this experience was still a mystery to both of us I can feel the soft caress of your hands the warmth of your kisses the warmth of your lips Careful as a gift you came out of my clothes and I began to burn in the crossfire of your bright eyes
You told me what you wanted to do to me in your silent hoarse words you asked me in your sensual way how to stroke your body It's ringing in my ears as you lost your temper and whispered my name The sweet memory of the weight of your body is pressed to the bottom of the chair the clouding captivating almost non-mundane gaze of desire has burned its mark into the depths of my body my soul indescribable You have an incredibly clean masculine scent shoved up my nose that I could pick out from hundreds of different scents The smell that had itself turned me on All I had to do was feel you somewhere in the crowd and I wanted to be in your arms Without words you knew how I wanted to make love to you you felt you knew me all the time But in real life you always knew when I had a problem I had a problem You had time for me even in minutes but I was never rejected You had an ear for everything listening to my most silent cry for help You energized me showed me a different new better dimension where I could be who I wanted to be You let me be who I was You didn't want to change anything about me You were more than friends lovers people You let me tell stories you believed my fairy tales And you have confirmed that I have something to be on this earth for I fed almost from you from your cells from your thoughts from your dreams and lived in my Crystal Palace that we created You lifted me up lit me up walked me on a rainbow bridge You gave me the fantastic possession of everything But at the time I felt I was too weak for this earth-shattering power
With one move of my magic wand I inherited the pain()


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